As a special needs parent, there are good days, there are other days, and there are days that are a punch to the gut. This past week has seemed like a series of punches. For many, October brings fall weather, pumpkin spice lattes, and the first round of report cards. As a reminder, Kaydan is eight years old and a third grader in the Moanalua Elementary special education program here in Hawaii. The punch to the gut came with his first quarterly report card this past week. As a kid, I remember my parents beaming with pride as I would present them my report card highlighting the “O’s,” for outstanding, on my report card. Every now and then I even received an “O+,” which made the “S’s,” for satisfactory, acceptable. Today it seems, many parents have simply come to expect a high degree of performance from their children. For some, the standard is O’s and S+’s at a minimum.
My punch to the gut came as I looked at Kaydan’s report card and processed what “WB” meant. All of the basic components associated with learning English and Math were marked with “WB.” Others were noted as N/A (Not Applicable), I could speculate those subjects being out of reach for the time being. I located the legend at the top of the page and there it was: WB = Well Below Proficiency. The one-two punch came with the description, “Does not demonstrate acceptable achievement of the targeted benchmarks/standards.” And there it was, another glaring reminder that my son is for all intents and purposes, mentally retarded. Most of us hate the “R” word, but it is absolutely true in this context, and appropriate. And I hate it. I hate it that he cannot read. Sure, he can recognize some letters but not many. He can count, but most people would have no idea what he is saying. Kaydan is incredibly communicative, but not always intelligible.
As a reminder, my wife and I had a sixth child born after Kaydan. Grayson is six years old and in Kindergarten. His report card was the more normal “Meets Standard/Satisfactory” grades that one would expect from a typical child that is eager to learn and absorbs information. In some ways, we have feared that being with Kaydan would somehow negatively impact Grayson’s academic and intellectual development. Irrational I know, but valid just the same. Thankfully, Grayson is exactly where he should be and we trust and pray will grow and develop into an intelligent young man. It sometimes saddens me however, that Grayson seems to have the growing realization that his brother does not share the same abilities that Grayson does. Frankly, it is difficult to know just how much to talk about that as opposed to just letting him be a kid and learn to love his brother as he is, which, for the moment, is probably the best course of action.
But I am still left with that sting in my gut. The words “Well Below,” have randomly passed through my mind at different times this past week. Frankly, it is discouraging. It is defeating. We try so hard to facilitate learning. His teachers and a team of ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis) professionals help Kaydan manage basic functional tasks and attempt to make transitions smooth. Like I said, there are good days, and there are other days. And we never know which is coming until we get there. I suppose that is part of the exhaustion of this journey. Sometimes we just want a good, easy day. Truthfully, that rarely if ever happens on our terms. Other times, it seems that God smiles on us at the most unsuspecting moments and Kaydan is amiable, compliant, and otherwise pleasant.
I suppose that part of the sting with the words “Well Below,” is that they only measure an aspect of Kaydan’s performance and not his character. Yes, he can be stubborn, belligerent, and non-compliant with the simplest of directions. His tantrums often leave us raw and rattled, and are never predictable. But there is one element that I have yet to see on a report card that I know Kaydan would score high on: Love. There are moments when the love of that little boy is so powerfully evident. Whether in his absolutely pure smile or his zealous hugs, Kaydan has a way of loving that is immeasurable and unmistakable. There are times when his sense of empathy is uncanny, especially on “other” days. I have been astounded by the times when I have been downcast or just coping with discouragement, but transcending his verbal challenges he will look at me and say, “You okay Dad?” I often do not know how to respond but I know he usually makes me smile at least. As the saying goes: Love is universal. In that sense, Kaydan is on equal footing with all the rest of us, if not maybe a leg up in one sense!
The truth is, we will likely continue to see “Well Below” or some form of that phrase on Kaydan’s report cards for the unforeseeable future. I am also convinced however, that we will continue to see him love in ways that continue to surprise us. I am thankful that not all of life is marked by performance or an evaluation that does not account for our true identity. And by the way, that is true for all of us, not just your or my special needs child! Thanks as always for your support. I’ll be back on the 15th.
Brad